Frances Lacy Memorial

Chapter 15

The River of Thought called “Blame & Guilt”

In Memorial of Frances Lacy – my Husband’s deceased Mom

April 2004


During Christmas of 2003 I received an initiation in the form of a series of energy infusions. They came with downloads of blocks of thought that gave me instant knowing about several different topics. Lightworkers often refer to these events as Energy Gate Openings. I perceived the energy as the Universal Christ Energy and for the first time ever I started speaking in an awkward manner. For days I could barely sleep from being charged with so much energy and I walked like on cotton. It was extraordinary. I am still assimilating the experience on all levels. My husband was the witness of this whole event.

The essence of what I received was about our human habit of tapping into the surrounding thought forms or “Rivers of Thought”. I had already learned much about the Rivers of Thought from Abraham, my favorite non-physical teacher, yet it is quite a different story when getting information as first-hand downloads from Source. Much of the information was about this huge River of Thought called “Blame & Guilt”.

Most people are still unaware that they are creating their reality with every thought, feeling, word, and action. Instead of thinking deliberately most people go with the “default version” about any given subject; they pick up whatever thoughts are there and enter their mind. They make up mainstream thinking, they live “inside the box”, caught up in the River of Blame & Guilt.

For some readers the following information may cause to rattle their cage, meaning their self-made framework of limitations. So be it. This is the time of awakening to the truth that we all are blessed Divine Beings, including you and me. We are players on game board Earth, or playground Earth, or spaceship Earth, acting out our human dramas. It was us who devised the game and who decided to play blindfolded, that is, hiding from ourselves the truth that we are divine players playing a game. Our human game on Earth has been literally termed by Lightworkers/The Group as “The Game of Hide & Seek”. Of course we knew that wearing the Veil of Amnesia would take all the fun out of the game, if we the players don’t even know that we are players of a game. Yet from our God-Self perspective we desired the human experience of limiting and separating ourselves from our Source. God the Infinitive desired the experience of Finite through each of us human perspectives.

Playing out the Dark Age was possible by putting in place beliefs that kept us down at the dense three-dimensional level of existence. In our system of duality the Divine Feminine had to be suppressed, in order for the Divine Masculine to dominate the evolving cultures of our civilization. Only by putting in place rules to override our own guidance system, our direct connection to Source, could we act out the theme of “The Many following the Leader” and give away our personal power to our leaders. The early patriarchs used the scriptures of religion as the framework to set up the rules for the Followers to live by. In Christian history these church fathers created the image of an angry father figure God who is keeping his human children in check with restricting rules and with severe punishment in case of disobedience. They constructed stories to make us believe that we are born in sin, in unworthiness. The tale of Adam and Eve, in which Eve, the female, ate from the forbidden fruit and thus became responsible that we are all born in sin. Moses and the Ten Commandments served as another construct, as well as the declaration of sexuality as bad and/or forbidden for the masses and for procreation only. And of course the crucifix as the symbol of Jesus dying in suffering on the cross for our sins served as a constant reminder to keep the Followers down at the level of unworthiness.

We the masses were taught by the church fathers and the worldly rulers that the way to improve our lot as the Followers is through hard work and obedience and the promise of reward in heaven after we die.

All these established beliefs were thrown over the masses like a blanket, so that we could play the game of “The many following the Leader”. Only this way could we play “Giving my Power Away”, and only this way could we experience limitation and separation and the lack of Love. We created the framework for our world of moral judgments of good & evil, right & wrong. Over the centuries we grew the thought forms or Rivers of Thought bigger and bigger, until they became like a matrix for acting out Conditional Love.

To me it seems all religions in our civilization are similar, for I see the women accepting the role of lesser value throughout all religions on Earth. Nevertheless, we have been thriving, individually and as a civilization, since well-being abounds and the core message of Unconditional Love still is shining through in all religions and is accessible to all.

Conditional Love versus Unconditional Love

Dear Reader; in this article I especially want to emphasize what I learned from the non-physical teacher Abraham about the rivers or streams of thought that we are unconsciously tapping into. I learned from Abraham how to read energy and to become sensitive to the streams or rivers of thought which are surrounding us at all times.

I also learned that we humans are born with a guidance system, our own emotions. Positive feelings indicate that we are connected to our Source and negative feelings indicate that we are disconnected from it. Yet until now only few people knew about the fact that we each come equipped with an inner compass, meant to guide us to ‘follow our bliss’.

I learned from Abraham as well about the great religious misunderstanding between Conditional Love and Unconditional Love. Jesus lived and taught Unconditional Love with the message of “Love your neighbor as yourself”. He taught “Self-Empowerment and Empowering Others”; he told that the Kingdom of God is within us. In taking our power away the church fathers preached the opposite, that we will be loved when we behave in a way that pleases the church fathers as the representatives of God. They reversed the truth about our own inner guidance system by preaching, “If it feels good to you it means it is bad, and if it feels bad to you it is good.”

Dear Reader, in switching to our present time, notice that things are still the same but with modern-day facades. The media and the politicians have taken on the lead over the religious leaders within the River of Blame & Guilt and the Matrix of Conditional Love. The religious judging has shifted to the political justice system.

Ever since I came to America in 1991 I have been watching the growing of the creation of a social class of Lawyers, the deciders of Right & Wrong. Notice the great divide getting wider not only in America, but everywhere. Our contemporary patriarchs wear suits and ties. They need us as Followers to play the Game of Wright & Wrong and to keep us swimming within the River of Blame & Guilt.

A Story from the River of Blame & Guilt

Right after the insight-full Christmas week I got to witness and to experience first hand the reality of the River of Blame & Guilt and its matrix of Conditional Love and how it has been playing out in my husband’s blood family. Although I am aware of the streams or rivers of thought forms, it happened several times that I got sucked in and swept away by the thought forms.

I will first describe the story from a three-dimensional point of view, and then offer the solution from the highest possible viewpoint. I am sharing the family drama not only in order to document my life experience in America, but also to help others, who go through similar experiences in their blood family, to gain greater clarity. After all, this kind of drama happens all the time after a loved ones’ departure from the Earth plane.

Here are the data: My husband had sent over the Internet to his 74-year old mother in San Francisco a bouquet of carnations for Christmas 2003. On December 23rd, instead of an expected email from his Mom, he got an email from his aunt, his mother’s younger sister, letting him know that Frances Lacy had had a stroke. In commander style she forbade her nephew, my husband, to contact his mother and announced that she will get back with him through email on her terms when appropriate.

We did not hear anything for four days. My husband got upset that his aunt treated him with such rudeness and disrespect. He wanted to know about the condition of his Mom, especially since this was her second stroke. On December 27th his aunt emailed my husband that his Mom had died in the morning. Again the aunt commanded my husband not to contact her until she is ready to contact him. By now we knew that something fishy was going on. My husband wanted to know the funeral date and how much it would cost him to take a couple days off to fly to San Francisco, his home town. He had not seen his family in thirty years. We concluded that the aunt’s hostility could only mean that the family did not want him to show up at his mother’s funeral.

Here is to mention, that my husband’s mom owns a two-story beach front house in San Francisco. She had bought the new house in 1962 for $ 27,000 and had paid it off over thirty years. My husband guessed that by now the house must be worth half a million dollars. In case there is no will, the house would go to him as Frances Lacy’s only descendent. If she did write a will, she could have wished to sell the house and share the money among her loved ones. My husband was sure that he as the only son could expect a portion from it. Later, when I told an architect friend the story, she said that a house in San Francisco as described is worth today at least one million dollars.

What I now watched unfolding looked like a case of legacy hunting from a Hollywood movie. It turned out that the aunt is the main figure in this family drama. Since she goes by her initials, L.A.W., I will call her in this story of Blame & Guilt “Aunt LAW”, for she is the lawmaker in the family.

When my husband finally didn’t want to wait any longer and called his aunt three days after his Mom’s death, she was harsh and cold and said that his Mom had already been cremated and that there was no funeral. When Jim asked about his Mom’s will, Aunt LAW said that she gets the house and that he gets nothing. In putting the conversation in writing she sent my husband an email quoting one sentence from his Mom’s will, “I acknowledge the existence of James P. Lacy and say that he shall receive nothing from my trust estate.” Wow! My husband was devastated and couldn’t believe that this sentence came from his own mother, which translated says, “You, my only son, are worth nothing.” Aunt LAW added that everything is ironclad. My husband, under shock, emailed his uncle, his Mom’s other sister’s husband, and asked him for support in this case of legacy hunting. Unbelievable to my husband, the uncle responded to stop lamenting and to accept that he deserves nothing. Wow!

It suddenly became apparent to us that the whole story was a plot and that Aunt LAW without a doubt had planned a long time ago to take over and move into her sister’s million-dollar home by the ocean.

There is another player in this drama, Aunt LAW’s husband and accomplice. I may call him “Uncle Judge”. He came into the Lacy family only about 12 years ago and never met my husband. Uncle Judge emailed his ‘sentence’ to my husband, laying out that nephew Jim has not cared about his mother for thirty years and therefore deserves nothing. Understandably, Uncle Judge has to justify that he wanted to move in the Lacy House and has to find reasons to kick his sister-in-law’s heir out of the way. Admittedly, when I read his ending statement, “Your Mom was truly the most Christian person in the world.” – it left me flabbergasted.

My husband, who is a SSI recipient, contacted his social worker and told her the story of legacy hunting. She commented that it happens all the time that those stamped as the underdogs of society are left out from inheritance by their own families, and she referred my husband to a Legal Aid organization in San Francisco. The Legal Aid lawyer responded that he needs to read the will first in order to give my husband any legal advice about his chances in a law suit. By law the aunt has to provide the will/trust, so the lawyer said. Aunt LAW responded to my husband that her lawyer informed her that she does not have to let Frances Lacy’s son see the trust, since no son is mentioned in it. She repeated that all is ironclad, as her way of saying that fighting her judgment will be futile.

At this point I reminded myself – and my husband – that we are being sucked by Aunt LAW and Uncle Judge into the River of Blame & Guilt. I suggested that we look at the pros and cons of how a lawsuit would affect the coming years of our lives. Of course no legal aid will fight Jim’s battle for him. Apparently, Jim’s chances are slim, since Aunt LAW & Uncle Judge have planned out a long time ago to move in her sister’s house.

I must say I am shocked to witness how American justice works; that in case a person decides to get her sister’s house and eliminate the only son as an inheritor and pay a lawyer to set it all up, the lawyer is willing to do so. Thank goodness, not all Americans follow “the Bully-Way of Life”!

However, as the first hurdle my husband would have to hire a lawyer to fight for the right to get to know the will of his own mother. We have no idea how long it might take and how much it will cost. Next he would have to generate the money for a trip to San Francisco, in order to hire a real estate broker to evaluate the house; this may require another lawsuit. Without a doubt there will be obstacles waiting right and left along the way. Of course, Aunt LAW & Uncle Judge will be well prepared in case of any resistance from nephew Jim. I reminded my husband of the emotional stress ahead; that he would have to meet his relatives in a courtroom in an atmosphere of hostility where they would fight each other like enemies over the subject of his Mom’s million-dollar home. In other words, a lawsuit would assure a sad chapter ahead of us, it would affect our well-being in many ways.

Being entrepreneurs means that it would drastically affect the success of our business, which we have been running based on faith, trust, and a positive attitude, month by month, for thirteen years. For years to come Aunt LAW & Uncle Judge would keep the both of us pulled into the The River of Blame & Guilt. To me, having to deal with lawyers equals giving our power away to somebody else, paid $ 150 per hour, to decide Right & Wrong for us. The lawyers would be the true winners in this scenario, for they make a living out of people’s dramas.

I asked Jim to be aware and keep in mind that we would be pulled into their Bully Game, in order to play the role of the victims for them. It would set us back for years in reaching our goals. I reminded my husband that he would have to put all of his video and book projects on the back burner. And most important to me personally, it would affect me in completing the last chapters of my book.

Admittedly, my husband believed that the sudden death of his Mom would at least result in unforeseen funds coming in. It would have given us a five-year shortcut through paying off our mortgage and ending our ten-year hardship of living in a trailer. It also would have immediately empowered us in our work as Humanitarians. We could have started building our two dome houses, one for Jim’s business and Kung Fu Museum, the other one as the headquarters for my work as a Lightworker and as our residence.

A Different Story

Dear Reader, let me sum up the Lacy Family Story as I heard it from my husband and as I have been observing it.

When Jim was two years old, his parents got divorced. He was brought up by his Mom. She had become a Lesbian. In pondering her life experience, what I like the most about Frances Lacy is that she came forth to be different, and to break the rigid rules of the Old World and to live outside the standard box, at least in this major area of her life. It must have been tough for a Lesbian back in the fifties and sixties to play the game of deception and yet at the same time to assert herself and succeed in a Male Dominator Society. She worked for 30 years for the same health insurance company, which indicates to me that it was important to her to maintain stability and security in her life. She must have been quite a survivor of her time.

On the other hand, the victim of Frances’ homosexuality was her son. Giving the boy up for adoption was not chosen, probably prevented by the guilt of her catholic upbringing. She must have been an incredibly hard worker; at times she was the provider and caretaker of a parent, two younger sisters, one of them with a child, and her own son Jim. It tells me that her method of proving her worthiness to the world was through working harder than anybody else. Obviously she projected her feelings of unworthiness upon her son whom she placed as the last in the family pecking order. It turned out the boy had a strong will of his own and could not be corralled, and inevitably became a troubled child. Without a doubt, Frances was overburdened as a survivor and not quite capable of much motherly love for her child.

My husband said he was 12 when they moved in the new two-story house by the ocean. It must have been an incredible accomplishment for a single young woman, back in the sixties, to buy a large house with a 30-year commitment of paying it off. Yet at the same time, throughout her entire life she had to live a double life by hiding her sexuality in everyday life and playing the game of deception. My husband said his mother’s homosexuality had not even once been mentioned to him throughout her entire lifetime, neither by his mother or his relatives.

On the other hand, in thinking of Frances, I can imagine that living and participating back then in San Francisco as the evolving gay capital of the world must have been exciting and extraordinary, it speaks of her pioneering spirit. The emphasis and highlight of Frances Lacy’s life was not motherhood, but her long-term relationship with another woman. Since the two women lived as a couple in Frances’ new house, her lover probably paid half of the monthly mortgage over the two-decade period of their relationship.

For Frances as a Christian her homosexuality must have caused an ongoing inner conflict, since according to her religion she is being judged by God as a big-time sinner and wrongdoer. In her later years she must have become a seeker for a guilt-free version of Christianity, which she seemed to have found in the Christian religious science movement.

Her son Jim received little love and guidance and grew up more or less left by himself in the streets of San Francisco. He learned to survive by bullying the smaller Chinese kids and stealing their sandwiches or lunch money. Had he been brought up in a normal family household he would have gone to college and become a pharmacist, because this was his passion. Left alone he early on discovered the world of mind-altering drugs. Since he was a deeply religious child and a spiritual seeker, his psychedelic mystical experiences caused the boy’s chakras or energy centers to fling open and drive him to walk on the edge. To do drug experiments without the guidance of a Shaman teacher must surely be risky business. Inevitably, he got in trouble with the police and got in and out of juvenile institutions.

When Jim got eighteen, his mother asked for the house key as her message that she had given up on him. So he lived as a homeless in the streets of San Francisco, dealing drugs for making a living. Shortly after he got involved in a car wreck hit by a train in which he lost his spleen and got his hip fractured.

In coming back to the present: Throughout the weeks of grieving his Mom’s death there was much inner reflection to do for Jim regarding his childhood and early adulthood; to look at old childhood traumas and old wounds and to forgive and let go. Jim said that he always tried to stay in contact with his Mom, although he knew that she saw him as a loser. Later, when he had children on his own, his Mom was not interested in developing a relationship with her two nearby living grandchildren. Jim said that when he had to spend again and again time in prison and the mental hospitals he always contacted his Mom to let her know where he was.

In the mid eighties in San Diego, after Jim got married for the second time, the couple went on a trip to Northern California. When Jim called his Mom asking if he could stop by and introduce his new wife, his Mom responded that the family wouldn’t want to see him at this time.

When I met my husband in 1990 in San Diego, he told me that his Mom had disowned him. Well, I knew from my own upbringing what it feels like to live as a stranger in your own blood family. I had left my parent’s home at age nineteen. Yet, I have come to believe that we of the Family of Light cannot evolve on our spiritual path until we make peace with our blood family, especially our mother and father. The way to enlightenment goes through the human heart, there is no other way, and we have to confront the wounds of our heart and reach for healing, peace and forgiveness with our blood family. Throughout my life I had blamed my mother for my life’s hardship. However, today I love and adore not only my old mother in Germany, but the rest of my blood family as well.

That is why I had wished for a reunion between my husband and his mother, especially since I learned how much his blood family meant to him. So it was Jim’s son and me, and the fairies of the Universe, who were instrumental in the happening of the reunion between Jim and his Mom. It was on July 15 of 2000, that my husband called his mother in San Francisco, an unforgettable event. His Mom was willing to accept the telephone contact with her son. At age 71, she was recovering from a recent stroke.

My husband talked to his Mom over the phone for three and a half years. I loved hearing him chatting in the porch from his cell phone, speaking with his Mom in San Francisco and making her laugh. He couldn’t get enough saying the word “Mom” and he would have loved to call his mother daily and talk endlessly about the family. Being not the loving, motherly type, she wished to keep the calls rather short. Not once did she give him a call. Jim wanted to share with his mother how gloriously he had turned his life around. He would have loved telling his Mom about all his humanitarian work in San Diego as his way of giving back to society; and that he even got a day in his name from the San Diego mayor. Despite of his bad hip he had become a well known martial artist, with students on every continent. He had sent his Mom all his martial arts tapes published by Panther Productions, but from his Mom came not much praising for his accomplishments. Since Frances kept the contact with her son rather short, I decided to stay out altogether and instead take care of my own family.

But I included Frances in my holiday gift giving and I loved sending her innovative, thought-expanding items. Some were probably too far fetched for her, but other things she appreciated, like the large Rosequartz Heart, and the Tingler Head Massager. My husband also started sending his Mom flowers over the Internet and we both enjoyed being prosperous to do so.

In summary, the death of his Mom brought for my husband an incredibly painful time of remembrance, healing, and forgiveness. In the end it doesn’t matter whether Aunt LAW & Uncle Judge worked in full unison with sister Frances, or if they manipulated her over a long period by feeding and keeping alive the image of the bad son who deserves nothing. My husband said his Mom told him that as a young girl she got raped by her father and that she – at age 71 – still hated her meanwhile deceased father. Who knows, maybe she projected her aversion of the masculine towards her son throughout her life; maybe she used her house as a trump-card, as the ultimate punishment for her son. I myself did not perceive Frances as a mean and cruel person. I found that she enjoyed the telephone conversations with her son and that the contact with us enriched her life as well. But we certainly know now why Aunt LAW did not approve the reunion between Jim and his Mom, for it crossed her plans.

The Donkey in the Well”

While in the midst of this family drama I got emailed once again the old folk tale about the donkey in the well which has been bouncing over the Internet for years. The story is so insightful, and fits so perfectly in the picture, that I would like to share it here, quote:

“…One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.

Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off.”

From my Viewpoint as a Lightworker

What a wisdom lesson in handling any situation: To shake the dirt off – and take a step up – until you finally step over the edge of the well. Being caught up in the River of Blame & Guilt is like being trapped like the donkey at the bottom of the well. We can make it our goal to consciously shake off the dirt, that is, become free of judgment by stepping up and over the edge of the well, and leave behind this dense river or stream of thought.

Through practicing to love unconditionally no matter what, we will grow the River of Thought called “Self-Empowerment and Empowering Others”.

The Lacy Family Drama helped me to understand this further and gaining greater clarity.

My suggestion to my husband is this: There is another Black Sheep in the Lacy Family, my husband’s younger cousin, meaning another human being of high vibration who couldn’t be pressed in the standard mold and who may one day face the same fate of punishment like Jim. When Jim reunited with his Mom over the phone in the year 2000 he also got a chance to reconnect with his cousin, who is living in the San Francisco area. The cousin described his family as ‘dysfunctional’ and wanted to leave his parent’s home, but had no job in order to rent a place on his own. In countless hours over the phone my husband counseled and coached his cousin, who is passionate about martial arts, into starting a career. He gave him Kung Fu information worth thousands of dollars, and of course helped his cousin trying to get along with the family and to forgive them. However, two years later it reached the point that the cousin desperately wanted to get away from his relatives and asked my husband if he can stay for awhile with us, until he finds work.

Well, it was me who convinced my husband that we were not in a position of taking care of the cousin, especially since he doesn’t drive and my husband would have to give him daily rides. Also our trailer serving as our home and our office is only intended for the two of us and our cat. Most of all I had in mind the continuation of my book; I worried that I would get ‘writer’s block’ when feeling another person’s energy in the house.

Now that I got to know the Lacy Family and since Jim’s Mom is gone, I suggested to let go of the house and to let go of his relatives. Instead Jim may let his cousin know that he is welcomed here and that we will be there for him when in need. I realized from watching the family drama how important it is that we of higher vibration, who have been suffering all throughout our lives for being the misfits of family and society, that we support each other as of the same family of origin, the Family of Light. We no longer have to play the victims for them in their world of Right & Wrong. We will create our own base and attract those into our circle who sincerely want to leave the Old World behind and live in a new way.

However, there is yet another twist to the Lacy Story of Blame & Guilt. The re-connection with his cousin brought a tremendous amount of healing for my husband. The cousin’s older brother had committed suicide at age sixteen. Through a remark made back then by a family member, Jim believed his cousin had died from a drug overdose; and since Jim had taken drugs with his other cousin, he thought his cousin’s death was his fault. After thirty-five years of carrying the guilt for his cousin’s death, my husband got enlightened by his cousin that his brother had hung himself in the garage; the reason was his unhappiness in his family.

Aunt LAW tried to pull me too in the River of Blame & Guilt. She returned to us Frances’ large Rosequartz Heart, together with a couple of photos for Jim and some leftover jewelry for me. In returning these items my advice to Aunt LAW is this: Should she reach the point of wanting to soften and open her heart and step outside the thought form of the River of Blame & Guilt, it would help her tremendously to work with the large Rosequartz Heart. I had sent it to Jim’s Mom for Christmas 2000, after their reunion. Frances had accepted it and emailed that she liked holding it as a touchstone while watching TV and that she loved the deep pink color; which indicated to me that she was receiving soothing and healing from this powerful heart healer.

I reminded myself and my husband that ours is to always choose the highest path, to love our human brothers and sisters no matter what; not because they are lovable, but because to love feels good, it is always the best choice. When we feel the emotion of Love it is the indication that we are connected to our Source. Ours is to grow the River of Unconditional Love, the River of Self-empowerment and Empowering Others. We embody a new way of living on Earth.

Anyway, from where Frances Lacy is now she sees the bigger picture and fully understands. Where she is now, in the realm of pure positive energy, she only feels Love and Adoration for her son Jim. She is now free from Earth’s gravitational field with the lingering thought forms, such as the Rivers of Blame & Guilt and Conditional Love.

In stepping outside these thought forms and leaving the Old World behind, we too can become a match to the high vibration of Frances Lacy. I suggested to my husband that we establish a new relationship with his mother. I said, “Invite your Mom to become your Muse or your Guardian Angel.” She is only a thought away and may assist us from the other side in growing the River of Thought, called Unconditional Love and Self-Empowerment. This is what bringing Heaven down to Earth is all about, the conscious merger of the Non-Physical with the Physical.

In summary, I profoundly learned from the Lacy Family Drama that the evolution of the human species goes through the Heart Chakra.

In Service,


Copyright 2004

Chapter 15 of my book “Who Wants To Be A Lightworker”